More of an internal pep talk than a public blog post:
Maybe it was the coffee, but I found myself resolving to be stronger on the bus ride home from an event for work. What made me so frustrated with myself recently is that I know I am stronger than this. Do you ever feel…that if you let yourself get too coddled by those around you, you will grow to think that maybe you can only survive when swathed with care? And you become fearful of the day when that cocoon disappears. And slowly, though you see it coming the whole time, that fear envelopes you more intimately than the care.
This insecurity only exists when you think there’s something to lose, and it grows proportionately to the likelihood you think of losing it, how much control you think you exert over whether or not you lose it, and how miserable you think you’d be if you did. But note that all rest on perception.
The only sustainable antidote is self reliance. Not of the categorical variety where you trust no one but of the quiet confidence that arises from knowing that you bring value to each relationship and that value is independent of the other person; that is, it will stay with you regardless of the other person. Accepting the cocoon as a nice to have but not a must have. Making sure that you have resting posts, not crutches. Dependence is self-esteem destroying, dangerous.
One of the best builders of self worth is helping others. This spans from helping strangers to being there to support those closest to you. Helping others generates the perception of capacity because it requires strength. The debilitating thing is that we actually expend a lot of this valuable strength fighting ourselves. I find myself here right now. I expend so much at civil war that it’s hard to build up enough strength to use externally, which leads, in turn, to more doubts and more civil war. This will change.